July 2, 2009

I dropped a heavy-bottomed glass candleholder onto the toilet seat. So common right? Right. I was super stoked to see this created a chip in the seat that exposed many shards of thin plastic. It looked like the seat was made of melted discarded Lee press on nails and then shellacked to a shine and that's something I wouldn’t have expected. I also don’t know how to go toilet seat shopping, and that sounds like the worse type of shopping ever invented because I know for a goddamn FACT that will take me down the dirty, metal reeking, unhelpful aisles of Home Depot and that day can WAIT. I've asked a friend to take care of finding a new seat for me; until that time we all sit carefully around here because we know nobody will come to aid the calls of “shard in the ass!” I know Nuv loves me to the depths of his soul, but I do not want to test that love.

Love related stuff leads to our second wedding anniversary on the 30th. I figured the best way to start out the day was to get my FIRST SPEEDING TICKET. Any road worth travelling has a higher speed limit than 60. Period. Stupid cops with their stupid safety goals. I did tell the cop that it was our "goddamn anniversary" and I had to "pee like a mother." Surprisingly, this did not sway his ticketing intents. (The only other ticket I ever got was back in high school when me, my brother, the dog and my bare feet piled into the Civic and ripped down to the Cloverdale McDonalds for milkshakes and I ran a yellow light. Oh, and I didn't have my license on me. Ahh, the brilliant years.) The rest of the day was spent successfully looting an outlet mall in the States for the most amazing fun stuff and I'm only slightly devastated that the amazing gloves/mittens that I paid 1/2 a penny for are BOTH RIGHT HANDS. Easy. Awesome. Crushing. The day ended with a frantic run through a mall to get to a Bath & Body Works before they closed, doing a Supermarket Sweeps style shopping, i.e. taking the giant tote to a wall display and just swiping multiple bottles of deliciousness into the tote with great abandon, and then doing the sheepish, avoid Nuv's eyes walk back to the car after he paid nearly 100 dollars for lotion. We had a trunk stuffed full of good times, didn't have to pay any duty and only bickered gently about non-consequential things like me nearly getting us t-boned as I was pout-driving when we were lost. All in all, a lovely day with my lovely guy.

As of an hour ago, I've had a stomachache for 21 hours. A salad and margarita felt like six heavy stones in my guts yesterday, and if you happened to see me dragging my bloated carcass down the street yesterday, dodging my fellow Canadians down the logjam that was Robson Street, you would have been all like, “Hmm, I didn’t know she was 9 months pregnant.” Oh so distended, oh so pulsating, oh so unpleasant my stomach was. Sleep, not eating, and halfhearted pleas to the Universe gave no relief. So, I'll be threading a hose down my throat to do some intestine spelunking later today. Then going to a 6 hour lecture on Flash aka the program that was designed by smart aliens so that most regular humans are made to feel they are much more stupid than they actually are. Happy Thursday to me.

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